Felix. I wrote this for you.
http://www.mybalancingact.co.za/to-each-according-to-his-need
It's the Ackermans blog post I do weekly, and it's all about not loving your children the same, and why that's a good thing, actually.
I worry about you, you know.
Yesterday I dropped you and Richie off at school, and because you always, invariably, still try to get me to stay with Richie because you are "so worried about him", I stayed behind and spied on you.
You clutched Richie's hand in the playground, not having fun yourself, just standing there, Richie straining at his leash to get to the toys/friends. You couldn't let him. When I came to fetch you at lunchtime, the same scenario greeted me.
When I talked to you about it last night, you got upset and cried.
You don't have to look after Richie the whole time, I said.
I do, you answered. The other children will hit him.
When Richie wants to, he can hit really hard, I tried to counter. Remember just earlier today he bit you so hard on the nose you still have a mark?
The teachers will stop anyone who tries to hurt Richie, I attempted.
It's not your job to protect Richie, I tried. You are allowed to have your own fun at your school.
Your eyes filled with tears. It IS my job! you said. I HAVE to look after Richie.
What's worse is that we as parents must be to blame. Obviously in a non-verbal way we have communicated to Felix the protective instinct towards Richie. Would Felix have turned into such a compassionate person anyway? Probably. Do we foreground and accentuate the need for compassion in our family? Absolutely. Is it made a million times more complicated because Richie is not just the youngest, but also the FLK in the family? Yes.
It both breaks my heart for Felix and Richie all the more, plus makes it all the more important for both their sakes that we put something in place to try to lessen this dynamic. We don't need to go through their childhoods feeling like Richie's the one to be protected, and Felix must put his needs aside on order to do so.
Back to therapy?
http://www.mybalancingact.co.za/to-each-according-to-his-need
It's the Ackermans blog post I do weekly, and it's all about not loving your children the same, and why that's a good thing, actually.
I worry about you, you know.
Yesterday I dropped you and Richie off at school, and because you always, invariably, still try to get me to stay with Richie because you are "so worried about him", I stayed behind and spied on you.
You clutched Richie's hand in the playground, not having fun yourself, just standing there, Richie straining at his leash to get to the toys/friends. You couldn't let him. When I came to fetch you at lunchtime, the same scenario greeted me.
When I talked to you about it last night, you got upset and cried.
You don't have to look after Richie the whole time, I said.
I do, you answered. The other children will hit him.
When Richie wants to, he can hit really hard, I tried to counter. Remember just earlier today he bit you so hard on the nose you still have a mark?
The teachers will stop anyone who tries to hurt Richie, I attempted.
It's not your job to protect Richie, I tried. You are allowed to have your own fun at your school.
Your eyes filled with tears. It IS my job! you said. I HAVE to look after Richie.
What's worse is that we as parents must be to blame. Obviously in a non-verbal way we have communicated to Felix the protective instinct towards Richie. Would Felix have turned into such a compassionate person anyway? Probably. Do we foreground and accentuate the need for compassion in our family? Absolutely. Is it made a million times more complicated because Richie is not just the youngest, but also the FLK in the family? Yes.
It both breaks my heart for Felix and Richie all the more, plus makes it all the more important for both their sakes that we put something in place to try to lessen this dynamic. We don't need to go through their childhoods feeling like Richie's the one to be protected, and Felix must put his needs aside on order to do so.
Back to therapy?
Hmmm. The other morning, my son told me "Look after Caris, I'm going for a wee" ... which made me think I have also burdened him the the "look after your sister" older sibling curse. He also told me to look after his breakfast, as he was worried she might take it, which made me laugh, but I also worry that we are placing too much responsibility on him...
ReplyDeleteI think it's something that happens naturally when you have two children. I think most parents of two or more children with a similar age gap will have experienced this one way or another. So don't blame yourself.
ReplyDeleteP.S. As far as I can see (myself, my friends, my children), the elder child also tends to be the more sensitive while the younger child more pugnacious.
P.P.S. was in Ackermans the other day and I heard them advertising their blogs... immediately thought of you
Ag shampies Margs. Listen you have to stop this FLK shit okay? Dyl is exactly the same about his sister and I really try not to encourage it as I also then have the whole gender-stereotyping bullshit going on in my head. And then he thumps her and I know it will all be okay. Hugs meisie. Ps: you know I love therapy so great idea on that one! Also best thing I ever did with Dyl was play therapy.
ReplyDelete;) I think they may have play therapy at his school. I will investigate. And shame, I suppose I do have to stop the FLK, what if Richie one day reads this and decides it's not hard-but-funny but just plain stoopid?
DeleteI actually think it is not such an unusual relationship. We had a bit of it with the twins but now being in seperate grades it has totally disappeared. Maybe give it a bit of time
ReplyDeleteIt's so reassuring reading here that I may have been a tiny teeny bit oversensitive about the dynamic. So glad so many other oldests do it too. Poor things! And yes Jenny I hear you about the thumping. At home, anything goes and Richie gets as good as he gives. But around others it seems Richie is elevated to some v special status and May Not Be Touched. ;) I have spoken to the school about it and they have promised to keep and eye, and separate the boys in the playground if necessary.
ReplyDeleteShame! I feel sorry for Felix!
ReplyDeleteI think a bit of therapy would be a good thing!
My brother and I are very close in age and I've always felt the need to protect him and he has always felt the need to shake off my 'mothering'. In time, no doubt, Richie will tell Felix to back off all on his own, and Felix will argue that he knows better because he's older and Richie will say it's his turn to learn and they will argue endlessly about it forever, and it's okay, because siblings do that.
ReplyDeleteI do understand though, how you can think this is on you. But I don't think it is. 'Kay?
Best. Comment. Ever. Thanks, Tammy. I used to force my brother to sit in my "school" and I forcced him to learn to read, and I orchestrated his birthday parties because I thought my parents wouldn't be doing a good enough job, and and and... I am remembering all of that now!
DeleteIt is natural for us to look after people we love
ReplyDeleteAnd the littles love A LOT
School is hard and kids know it, so they want to protect the people they love.
It's a good thing, you have done nothing wrong